A Wary Silence

I look up into the sky and there is an eerie silence that surrounds me. I am at the park and seems as if even the birds have have stopped chirping their tunes. I feel lost, and not knowing where things are heading is frustrating. I wouldn't be here in the first place if it wasnt for the one stupid mistake I made in my fifteen years of marriage.

Hi,I am Ria and this is my story,I know I'm not the most likeable of characters nor am I very patient, but before you judge me, just know that I love my husband and kids a lot and whatever has happened has left me feeling like a criminal, because, though, my husband loves me more than life, my marriage is at the brinks of a bitter end.

Rob, my husband, is a family man who works really hard, its always about me and the kids for him. After having our first child Jack,  we decided that I should become a stay at home mom so I stopped working  and Rob was left to fend for us. Two years after having Jackie or Jack as he now calls himself, we had our second child Rianne. Watching the kids grow up and join high school has been a remarkable journey,but amidst being parents and fulfilling our duties, we have hardly found time for each other.

I'm asleep by the time Rob gets home and I'm up and out jogging long before he gets up,the chemistry we once shared has fizzled out and though our love making is good, but its become a routine,with nothing left to explore. Though this has never been an issue for us,after what happened a couple of weeks ago I really don't know how things will be between us,I dunno know if he will ever be able to forgive me.

It was a really warm day and we had a problem with the plumbing at home,so I had asked the plumber to get it fixed,however our regular plumber Jose was out, so, he sent his cousin instead. When I opened the door, I was shocked to find this really tall,well built hunk standing at the door. "Hi,I'm Jonnahh,Jose sent me here,you have a problem with your plumbing,?" he asked in his latino accent.

While I showed him into the kitchen I could see him watching me,eyeing me as if he could see through the white tee-shirt, I wasn't wearing a bra underneath and suddenly I felt very conscious, after years of being happily married,this undue attention left me feeling young and attractive all over again.

As Jonnahh worked,I went upstairs and quickly put on a bra, I could still feel him staring intently at me his eyes fixed on my lips and chest."Oh,gosh", I sighed before,walking back downstairs.

Jonnahh, wasn't in the kitchen, when I got down, I thought I saw some movement in the hall and found him staring at the family photo, right above the fire place, as I approached him I couldn't help but staring at his muscular physique,"You are a very pretty woman,Mrs.Nair," he said still looking at the portrait. "Thank you," I replied, but just as I said it, he turned around and stared right into my eyes, I could see his dark brown eyes flicker,and his lips curled up into a smile,and before I knew it I could feel his arms around me and his lips on mine. The warmth of his lips made my knees go weak. As if reading my mind, he swept me off my feet and onto the couch. Before I knew it we were undressing each other. The bra I had put on came off faster than I had imagined and was lying on the floor as he ran his tongue down my neck.This was crazy,yet I couldn't stop myself, and the way he touched me sent ripples down my spine, and my body responded to him in ecstasy.

This sheer lack of control on my part has left me feeling guilty for weeks and after mustering as much courage as possible I finally told Rob about the incident four days ago.

 Rob had, had a very long day at work, the kids were fast asleep in their rooms and he had just finished telling me about how his day went,when he realised I was trying really hard to look normal, "are you alright dear"? he asked. "No, Im not,I have been meaning to tell you something but I dunno how to tell you", I said, trying really hard to sound strong, upon hearing this Rob came closer to me took me in his arms. At first he thought I was joking, I could see a flicker of amusement in his eyes,but the minute he looked at me he knew it wasn't a joke. "Im sorry hun, I said," knowing, he was at a loss for words. "How could you"! was all he said before,getting up and leaving me all alone in our room.

I wanted to follow him downstairs,but after living with him for 15 years I knew he needed to be alone. So I waited up, after half an hour of waiting I silently crawled downstairs to find Rob at his table, I walked up to him and as I approached, him, I could see his shoulders tremble,he was in tears,that it left me choked. I dashed towards him and took him in my arms but he shoved me off. "Leave me alone"! "How could you Ria?" no,darling or sweetheart but my name, for the first time in years,he used my name.

I went back into the room and shut the door behind me, our 15 years of marriage was at the verge of  caving in on us all because I had  lost control. All my fault, I had hurt the love of my life, oh my god, my children, I never want the kids to grow up without both their parents, what if Rob decides to end it, what if we get a divorce? These questions kept playing-on, in my mind and I knew now, more than ever that Rob is my life.

The next morning, I got up and acted like everything was fine, went jogging, walked into the study to find Rob asleep on the couch, got breakfast ready got everyone up. and in an hour the entire house was empty. This emptiness haunted me, he hadn't said a word all morning, just smiled and acted like everything was fine. But I knew,there was a storm brewing, and this silence on his part could easily tear us apart.

After living an American life for the past twenty five years I want to go home,none of this would have ever happened if I was home. Oh, how I miss the sound of the pressure cooker whistling away in the morning, I miss the iced capped mountains that I could see from my bedroom window,but most of all I missed my mom. I can still remember the look on her face the first time she met  had met Rob, she wanted me to marry a Nepali guy, but,Rob was neither a Nepali nor a Hindu, his mother was a Dutch and his father an Indian. Over the years,however, mammu and Rob have become very close, he actually calls her up even more often than I do.

I wish she was here, Mammu, would know exactly, what to do, but, just thinking about telling her,makes me nervous. I can already see the stern look on her face, she wouldn't like it at all and would throw me out of the house the instant she found out.No I cant tell her, it would really hurt her. Oh, gosh, I feel so alone, the only friend I have is Rob, over the years he has become my best friend and no one can understand me better than him.

I can try talking to him,but honestly no matter how hard I try, I know things won't go back to normal for a very long time. My eyes fill up with tears and I feel dizzy with pain as the lump in my heart only gets larger with each breath I take. I want to go home, and as I get up  from the park bench where I had been sitting all day I see a young couple walk past me. Just looking at them made me drift back into the good old days.

Oh,those god old days,I ran into Rob for the first time at a friends party, he was standing at the corner near the door, with an awkward smile on his face, you know- the kinda smile we flash when we are really uncomfortable, and gosh he looked amazing in his semi formal attire, yeah, picture that- he had walked into a beer party looking like he was going to a cocktail dinner. Oh, whatever, he still looked amazing, I can still remember the way his eyes twinkled when I approached him.

 "Did you step in through the wrong door?" Oh, gosh the drunken me had spoken, the poor thing he only blushed, and without giving it any thought, I grabbed his hand and dragged him into a room and asked him to take his jacket off, all I was trying to do, was make him fit in, and the poor thing, he looked at me as if I was going to rape him any second,anyways I was too drunk to sense that, and when he didn’t do what I said, I walked up to him, removed his jacket, while he stared at me unable to say a word.

I then sat him down in front of the mirror, spiked up his nicely combed hair and unbuttoned his shirt, and when I thought my job was done I walked out the door leaving him there.

I don’t remember how long it took him to come out of that room, I think he was in there, till Janey hand her boyfriend walked in. And,I was too busy getting drunk anyways.

The next time I bumped into Rob was at the library, several days later, He was studying at the table next to me, at first I kept staring at him, I guess he sensed someone was staring at him so he looked at me, that’s when I practically jumped off my chair,and on top my voice exclaimed, hey I know you, in such a loud voice  that the entire library looked up at me.Oh well, Rob blushed again and went back to his books while, I completed my assignment, by the time I was done he wasn't there. About a week later,  I was studying in the library at the same table, when Rob, came up to me and pulled up a chair, he didn't say a word, so I just acted like I had nothing to say and we worked in silence. He would keep glancing at me,smile and get back to his work, we loved the silence we shared.This continued for about two weeks, and one day,I was about to leave the library when, Rob for the first time, whispered, Ria, wanna go for a coffee,I glanced at him astonished,he knew my name! before I could say yes he blushed. His cheeks went bright red and his dark matted curls made him look even more  adorable. "Sure, you wanna go," I asked, "yeah", came an almost inaudible reply.

 That was 18 years ago, and even today it feels like yesterday.I have always been spontaneous and Rob sturdy, I love social gatherings and hanging out, while Rob loves being home, I love the stability we share but we could do with a little more adventure, despite our differences we have created a family together, yeah we have had our differences and we have fought, but we have always made it through. So, why should it be different this time round?

 I know Rob might never forgive me and if only I could do something to rekindle the magic that brought us together in the first place. Our anniversary is six months away, but will Rob and I, last that long? I know how he thinks, but will he be able to forgive me? Hopefully, Rob isn't irrational, Im the one who panics and I am completely irrational.

He needs time to think, and needs to be alone, but what about me? I feel like a criminal and if he doesn't forgive me I will lose, the most important person in my life. But will I let him walk out? How do I stop him?

As I look into the sky one last time before entering the house, I know, I will do just about anything to make up for my sheer stupidity,I love Rob and cannot think of a life without him,but I know things wont be right for a very long time yet I have no choice but to wait for Rob to decide, just a sign will do and I will dash to make things right but first I need to know what he decides. So you see, it is this not knowing, mixed with guilt and fear which is killing me from the inside.

By Prabalta Rijal